Men and their unwanted attention

After having been flashed a penis whilst I was taking a walk through Hampstead Heath, I got to think about men and how some of their behaviours were completely off limits. So, this is a piece about my own experience. I hope this can inform women but also men because, lads, enough is enough!

Today was a Bank Holiday Monday in the UK: a Monday off to make the weekend linger, an extra day to enjoy the weather (it’s getting sunnier and warmer at last!).

So, I took the bus to Hampstead, had a little stroll around the high street, sniffed the scent of crêpes and found some gems in the local Oxfam shop. On my way back, I decided to walk that long road that goes through the Heath. I’ve done it a billion times and absolutely adore it. My attention was caught by a guy dressed in a black tracksuit, standing in the bushes. You know how it is: you just do it without thinking. You look for a split second then look away. Only, in that very split second, I saw that this man was holding his penis and intently looking at me. 

My first reaction was to carry on walking. I wasn’t even sure of what had happened and I even started to laugh it off. After a couple of minutes though, I realised what had happened and got thinking about the kids walking by, the other women, the fact that maybe I was lucky he didn’t try to grab me or rape me. I called the police. He was obviously long gone when they arrived; he probably ran off and, hopefully, put his junk away for the rest of the day.

It’s likely he will never be caught: nothing was specific about him. Maybe it was a one-off? Maybe he’s been doing it for weeks and witnesses thought it was too silly to report? Maybe next time he’ll attack someone or a child will see his genitals?

No matter what will happen, if it happens to you, you should report it to the police. Because this might come off as stupid and innocent, but it’s truly not! This is an aggressive and invasive act and you may not even begin to imagine the consequences this could have on someone.

I have been sexually harassed, about 8 years ago. A man who was old enough to be my dad, an ex-colleague of mine, caught me when I was in a vulnerable place in my life. He just “wanted to help” so he had me talking for hours, pretending to be my own therapist. I didn’t see the harm: I never touched him, never mislead him and I was reassured by the fact that he was in his 50’s. It lasted for weeks until that email where he told me he was attracted to me, that he didn’t understand what was happening, that we could talk about it face to face, that he’d take me to a restaurant to do so. I said NO to him; said I never wanted to see him again; that I thought we were friends and that I never wanted this.

For a whole week, he called everyday, he emailed me, and he even talked to my godmother, saying he was trying to help me out. He changed tones: he was apologetic, then almost crying, then angry, then laughing it off, then blaming me. I went to the police and that’s what stopped him. For weeks, months, years, I was terrified that he’d come to my house and try to hurt me. Now, I’m in a different country and that helps, as I doubt he could find me, but this experience has affected my relationships with men. I find it hard to befriend a man, because I’m always thinking: “Is it clear for him that we’re just friend?”

I hate when a man that I’ve just met touches me, like pats my back or my arm. I hate when they’re obviously trying to hit on me like I’m just a talking vagina. I hate when they’re invasive of my privacy: trying to get my number after 5 minutes, asking me where I live precisely, and so on. I feel men in general should just take a step back and think! Just give it a little more time, just enjoy our conversation and stop trying to “score”. They’re all going so fast and they’re all playing deaf when you state you’re not interested. And this is not okay…

I know all men are not like that, thank goodness. But too many are…

So, to all ladies, don’t let any man treat you like you’re not important and like you can’t say “no”. Report any behaviour that is invasive and feels generally wrong.

To men, accept the fact that we, females, are your equals. Think before you act: how would you feel if that was happening to your mother, sister or daughter? Take “no” for an answer and don’t think that, because a woman is friendly, it means she’s willing to be anything more than just that.

Sorry about the seriousness of this post but, I feel you can’t laugh about that kind of subject. I hope this can help raise awareness and I hope they’ll catch that Hampstead pervert!!!

You made Dawson cry :-(

Never stop believing in yourself and keep the faith!

Hello readers! I haven’t written in a few weeks because loads have happen and I needed to take it all in before I could share it on the World Wide Web.

As you may remember, I was on a job hunt. It lasted 21 weeks but, after 550 applications sent out and approximately 35 interviews, I finally got THE call, the one offering me a job! I was so happy that I didn’t know what to do with myself: I circled my room, then the flat, then my room again; I cried, I laughed hysterically, I freaked out, I cried some more; I called my parents and my best friend, then hid the news from the world.

Right before that call, I was a mess. I felt drained and on the verge of abandoning my life in London. I was desperate, confused and sad. I couldn’t see a way out.

I am not going to lie: those 21 weeks have been horrible and I would not wish this on my worst enemy. After ten days at home, enjoying a proper holiday and some quality time with my parents and my dog Jax, and after a week in my new job, I still feel sort of traumatised by those long weeks and months of unemployment. I still watch my grocery shopping expenses super closely, keeping it to the essentials. I am still not too kind to socialise. I expect it’ll take me some time to go back to a normal-ish way of living.

But, let’s rejoice because those 21 weeks belong to the past! I am now on a new path and I could not be happier. I am learning a lot of interesting things, my colleagues are lovely and my office has a very relaxed vibe to it. I cannot believe my luck and I feel like this opportunity is better and bigger than everything I imagined before.

For all of you struggling to find a job out there, please keep applying, keep going to interviews and keep working on finding the right job for you. You will get there! If you need some advice or want to share your story, feel free to leave a comment.

Remember to be kind to yourself: you can do it!!! All my love :) 

An honest one-to-one with a Directioner

 A few weeks ago, right before Christmas, I met a hardcore One Direction fan. I believe we all remember the Channel 4 documentary Crazy About One Direction that depicted the Directioners (aka the One D fans) as crazy teenagers, being completely obsessed by the band members and proving to be quiet abusive online towards those who would not fit their standards. I wanted to have a heart-to-heart with a fan, someone who was not a teenager, someone who could be the voice of a fandom and let me into the world of a One D fan…

Thanks to social media, I met with Neneh, 24 and from London, who kindly answered my questions about what it is like to be a fan of one of the greatest boybands this planet has ever seen…

Me (left) and Neneh (right)

 First things first, how did Neneh discovered the band? “I’ve always watched X Factor, every year and yeah, I just saw them on X Factor, thought they were good. I wasn’t too crazy about them until their first single came out. (…) And it all went downhill from there, to be honest.”

Neneh is very active on social media: she is a blogger and a YouTuber, has almost 8000 followers on Twitter and a very popular Snapchat account. Whenever she meets One D, she shares it online with all the other fans. Neneh has met all the boys (yes, even Zayn!) several times. But how does she actually get to meet them? “I don’t find it too hard because, I’m used to it by this stage. You know if they have an event coming up, if they are going to be performing, they’re probably going to be doing rehearsals so it’s mainly…we’d go there because we know they have to do it a few days before, just check the studios. Some of my friends live near so we’d just take the bus to the studios, check if their cars are outside. If they’re not, then just go home and report to everyone else if they’re there or not and just keep checking until they’re actually there. So it’s not like a coincidence; we just know they’re going to be there, even though there is a lot of trials and errors at trying to find them.”

My next question was – and I think I was very curious to understand how one can gather so much detailed information about a celebrity – how do you know where their studios are and what their cars look like? A question that Neneh swiftly brushed by replying: “They are creatures of habit. So they’ve been using the same rehearsal studios since 2010 or since the Up All Night Tour. They don’t change things: their rehearsal, their photography, all their studios are the same. It’s pretty well known. If they’re going to be rehearsing, they will only really be at that one rehearsal studio. Mainly. I found out because, when I saw some people had met them, I saw the van in the background of the picture with the name on it and I just went to check it and that’s how I discovered where it was. That was in 2013, something like that.”

Then, I immediately started to wonder if Harry, Niall, Louis and Liam were recognizing Neneh. It feels she has met them often enough to be more to them than just another face in the crowd of excited fans. “I think the first time I noticed they were starting to recognize me is…I met Niall last year at the X Factor and then, I met him again at the studio like the same week and he remembered me because it was twice in the same week. And he was literally just like: “Hi, you’re alright?” He was really nice. (…)I think Louis and Niall are the ones that recognize me the most. They’re always really nice and ask me if I’m alright.” But what is their reaction? Are they happy to see her; or do they think “oh, her again…”? The answer is a pretty sweet one: “If they know there is a lot of people, they’ll make sure they’ll come to me and my friends cause they know we’re the ones that are kind of always out. That’s usually what happens so yeah…a positive reaction!”

Neneh tweeted pictures of her encounters with the One Direction boys

Most of fans and random people would be pretty happy to meet their idols – click! – get a picture, brag about it a little, then move on. So, I can’t help but wonder: Why does Neneh keep trying to meet the singers? Why is a picture not enough and what is her goal when she meets them repetitively? “I would say to get a better experience. It’s addictive and, every time you meet them, you want a better experience and to continue progressing towards a more friendly relationship with them. Yeah, it’s really addictive meeting them!”

At this stage, it seems undeniable: One Direction is addictive. So, will Neneh feel tempted to try and find them during their break? She looks unsure and bites her lip before saying: “Me and my friends said that we won’t…but… I don’t know. It depends: the other day, we were out with my friend and it was literally a day or two after the start of the break and we went to Winter Wonderland. And we found out that Selena Gomez was staying in this hotel and that Niall was at the hotel. So we were like “Let’s just walk down to the hotel”. I think they’d already left so we thought: “ok, never mind”. So…I don’t know…I don’t want to…but…Maybe Harry and Louis…I really want to meet Harry, like all the time! I love Harry!”

Because she goes really out of her way to meet the One D boys, Neneh has been called a stalker. The Oxford Dictionary says that to stalk is to obsessively follow, watch or try to communicate with a particular person. Does Neneh feel like she falls into that category? “Erm… I was thinking about this the other day because everyone calls my friends and me the “London Stalker Crew”. I actually googled the word “stalker” and I don’t really think it’s exactly the same. A lot of the time, stalking is unwanted attention, like going after someone and it’s unwanted by the other person. I think that if the boys didn’t want to stop, they wouldn’t so all the times that they’ve stopped…(…) A lot of the time, if they literally don’t want to meet people, it’s completely their choice so that’s why I don’t think it’s bad cause there are so many times, like hundreds of times, where they just drove past us and none of them would stop. It happened on so many occasions so…I think it’s them that make the decision so I don’t think it’s bad.”

As we are nearing the end of the interview, our hot chocolates going cold and the coffee shop getting louder, I want to give Neneh an opportunity to add, correct or say one last thing. She looks up to me and says: “Yeah, just that me and my friends aren’t weird crazy people just because we’ve met them so many times. (…)Most of the hate I get on Twitter is just people saying “why won’t you leave them alone?” or there’s always going to be the comment “oh, that girl again” and things like that. Obviously, I’ve met them a lot but (…) there are so many people who have met them so many more times than I have. And they’d get completely overlooked. I don’t know why…Maybe I’m just prominent or something like that but…I don’t think I’m a crazy stalker, I just really enjoy meeting them, they’re really nice and every opportunity is different so you never know what you’re going to get every time you meet them: sometimes, they’ll stop and have a talk, sometimes it’s literally just a quick picture…”

There is one thing that seems to validate the idea the general public has about the Directioners: they can be real bullies on social media. Just a few days ago, Saira Khan, the ITV presenter got hate and abuse on Twitter from many Directioners, simply because she tweeted that she had seen Harry whilst filming. She reported those abusive tweets to the police…

 

THE tweet that started all the abuse...

And Saira Khan saying she is reporting the insulting tweets to the authorities.

Neneh is also getting hate online, because she has met Louis, Harry, Niall and Liam a few times. What is her take on the subject? She tells me: “I think that, if anyone was in the same situation, like if they were living in London and they knew people who had met them and knew how to meet them and where they’re going to be, I think everyone would go.(…). At the end of the day, all the people that send hate, I know that it’s just jealousy so I can’t really… I don’t really get too angry and respond to it. Sometimes, I retweet it and laugh about it. I don’t take it too seriously because I know anyone would take up the opportunity to meet them.”

As I leave the coffee place, I think of the conversation I have just had. And I feel old…Because, when I was head over heels for Leonardo DiCaprio, it meant putting posters up and kissing them when no one could see me (yeah, I know, I was only 13 and, weirdly, didn’t think about kissing a real boy at all!). It meant watching his films and memorising his lines; it meant daydreaming about meeting him and imagining what kind of person he was. With the birth of social media, we have let our boundaries loose and our barriers down.

We know who is where and when, at all times. I think that is why the One Direction fandom is so intense: they live with that sense of immediacy, which means they can find the boys, even during their hiatus! They can tell the other fans about it on Twitter, post a picture on Snapchat and, in exchange, receive love, admiration, jealousy and hate.

I believe One Direction is a one of a kind phenomenon that goes way beyond the music. It is the testimony of a new era: the proof that immediacy can be a blessing and a curse; the clue that maybe we should take a step back and remember that Niall, Liam, Louis and Harry are human beings and that their fans are too…

Star Wars: The Force Awakens…and the storyline weakens

I am grateful for my friends who did not spoil me any bit of the story before I got a chance to see the film in theatres. Write a review without giving any major plot elements away? Challenge accepted!

 

My parents were in their early twenties when Star Wars: A New Hope was released. It was the end of the year 1977; the beginning of a thrilling saga; the birth of a phenomenon that would impact generations; a mythical story had arisen!

I was, just like millions of people, super excited to see the latest instalment of Star Wars. My parents kindly brought me their DVDs when they visited for Christmas and I have binge-watched the films in preparation for episode 7.

What a wonder to get the story straight, to remember how it unfolded, to meet Han Solo and Chewie in that dodgy space pub again, to appreciate Leia’s buns and Jabba the Hutt’s floppy and squishy body.

Last night was the night where, my brain filled with all the details of the past episodes, I finally got to catch up on Star Wars. And…to be honest…I am still unsure, 24 hours later, as if I liked it or not. I have a billion questions in my mind and I think the story repeated itself way too much. Almost as if Disney was aiming at a brand new audience, at people who have never seen Star Wars, at a younger generation who couldn’t care less about the past of Anakin, Obi-Wan, Yoda, Leia, Luke, Han, Chewie, R2D2 and C3PO…

I didn’t dislike all of it: BB8 is the cutest thing ever; a black stormtrooper feels somewhat liberating; Han Solo and Chewie still have it; the space battles are still breathtaking.

I totally understand the rules of marketing and the importance to sell and make big piles of money. But I will never agree to butcher a wonderful saga on the altar of dollars…I am a bit upset because my dad introduced me to this story and I grew up loving it. It is part of my film awakening and I hate when people shit on what I am very fond of!

My advice would be to go see the film if you haven’t seen the precedent episodes in a long time (and the story feels a bit blurry to you); or if you have never seen a Star Wars film. Otherwise, you can just wait for the DVD to come out…

What does 2016 hold for me and why I didn’t take any resolution this time

Happy New Year!!!

I know we are all still in the holidays’ limbo: a two-week feast of food, family time and sleep. And going back to reality is hard; I know this more than anyone else as I am still job hunting…

This year, I decided not to take any resolution. I feel we all expect too much from the New Year ahead and we make ill choices for ourselves, just because we all need to feel like we’re doing something differently, because this New Year needs to be awesome and better than the last.

Let me break it down to you: it won’t. Life is made of ups and downs; it is a constant rollercoaster: sometimes it’s fun and sometimes it makes you sick to your stomach. I used to believe that the New Year would rock my world upside down in a positive way but it never really happened. So, 2016, I’m taking the pressure off of your shoulders: bring it and I’ll manage!

I have a few set goals but no agenda. I want to do more writing, I want to find a job and go back to living a normal life; I’d like to travel, buy more music and treat my family and friends. Exercising is also on the list but it has been since last June.

What I hope I will find in 2016 is love…I know it sounds cheesy as hell but I would really like to meet a nice guy, a man who will sweep me off of my feet and meet some of my expectations (set by Ed Sheeran, Richard Curtis and Disney princes…). Here’s my wish, thrown in the universe…

We will go back to this post in a year…Here’s to a great 12 months!!!

Hello Leo...Happy New Year!

Inside Brussels’ lockdown: a perspective from zinnekes

As you may know (or will in just a moment), I am Belgian, born and raised in Brussels. My dearest friends and my family live in Brussels and this city is my home. We all got in shock after the horrible and disgusting attacks in Paris. But then, my city and country got under threat and the world’s attention concentrated on a small part of town: Molenbeek.

In this article, I want to share some of my fellow zinnekes (aka an inhabitant of Brussels) perspective on the recent events.

Vanessa, living in Molenbeek.

Vanessa is 30 and has been living in Molenbeek for the past three years. It is a weird area, mixing locals and immigrants, with lovely houses and rough places. Vanessa didn’t witness much during the searches conducted by the police and the army. But felt, straight after Paris’ attacks, a change in the city’s atmosphere. Soon after the events, she saw two heavily armed policemen guarding her carriage in the metro and she thought: “If something happens, they are going to intervene and contain the incident. But, if I move, if I make a mistake, I could get shot.” Even though the presence of the army and the police was somewhat reassuring, it was also making the threat very real and unavoidable.

Vanessa also recalls that first weekend where the authorities advised citizens to stay indoors, away from windows and avoid public gatherings. She got scared for her husband and her family and made sure none of them used public transports for a whole week.

Now, the threat level has been levelled down to 3 instead of 4. “I don’t watch the news anymore. It was turning into an obsession and was making me very anxious. The army and the police are still patrolling the streets and there is still fear hanging above us like a big dark cloud.”  Vanessa says.

Emilie, a mum of two and also living in Brussels, is staying positive. “I have to. I hope it’s going to evolve positively because I want my children to grow up in a safe and peaceful world.”

How does Emilie talk to her little ones about the attacks and the army in the streets? “Nathan is a four year old little boy who is ignorant of violence. Elise is only one and not aware of what is going on.” When Nathan asks questions to his mother, she talks about mean people and insists that her, his father, the policemen and the army are all here to keep him safe and sound.

Emilie, her husband Yannick and her children: Nathan and Elise.

The schools and nurseries have tried their best to keep things running normally for the children. But, the authorities’ guidelines made it difficult: schools were closed for two days, the army was patrolling the surroundings, kids couldn’t go outside and all gatherings were completely forbidden.

Emilie says that, even though she feels calm about the situation and safe in the streets, she will be avoiding big crowds, outdoor Christmas markets, concerts and social activities.

Now living on the Gold Coast, all the way down in Australia, Zoe was hit hard by the recent events. She used to live in Paris, near Place d’Italie, just about 20 minutes from Le Bataclan. She was playing in a roller derby team and often said they were all like a big family. So, when she heard that one of the victims was a roller derby player, her heart sank. She didn’t know her personally, but a lot of her friends did. Suddenly, it was even more real.

She felt wrong to be this far from Paris, a city that was hers for 5 years, from her friends, that roller derby family that lost one of theirs. She told me: “I wish I was there, I wish I could hug them and cry with them and just be there.”

Zoe and Claire: members of the Derby family.

Also from Brussels, Zoe felt just as worried for her zinnekes. We often talked about how mad this all mess was; we spent hours trying to assess and comprehend what was happening. I asked her if she felt safer, being that far away from it all: “I live in a quiet part of Australia so, I am tempted to say I feel safe. But then, a year ago, there was this guy who took hostages in a café. So, I guess no one is truly safe.”

Finally, I wanted to give my very own feelings about the whole situation. What happened in Paris hit me hard. Because my best friend used to live not far away from that neighbourhood, because those people were my age and were doing all the things I could have been doing on a Friday night. I stayed indoors for a few days, avoiding the world, avoiding any sort of risk and binge watching the news.

Then, the attacks got linked to Brussels and the threat level was raised to 4. I started feeling completely useless and was willing to go back home, go back to my family, go back to my friends. I couldn’t. And my worry shifted: I wasn’t scared for myself anymore; I was scared for my people back in Brussels. For a week, I called my parents every single day. We ran out of things to say, in the end, but I needed to hear that they were ok, that everyone was calm and collected, that the authorities were super effective at keeping them all safe.

I got really proud when Belgians started tweeting pictures of cats to protect the police’s investigations. It was silly but funny, positive and typically us. 

 

Now, I can’t wait for my family to join me for Christmas. I want them here where I feel I can protect them or, at least, keep a close eye on them! I am already planning a trip to Brussels in January, eager to squeeze and hug my friends, eager to take some time out of this madness to laugh, talk rubbish and be together… Because, no matter how hard they will hit us, we will still be merry, a bit crazy and full of weird jokes. We will still be zinnekes…

Zoe and I: besties with Manneken Pis!

What social media do I use and for what said usage?

Recently, I was out with friends and, as we were sitting around in a Starbucks, we realised we all had our smart phones out. And, as we talked about social media and our constant need to check what was happening on there, we concluded that each app and each network were completing each other but were also offering different things and that we all “needed” the variety of online feeds.

Allow me to explain to you how I use my social accounts and why I need all of them…

Facebook: 

When Facebook arrived in Europe, we all got swiped off our feet. It was new, it was fun and…it was quite silly. If you remember well, you could have a virtual fish tank and your friends could offer you more fish. We all got way too eager to share our lives and pictures on the social network (see what I did there?!) and some got quite a vile backlash from it. Still, we stayed on Facebook, kept on stalking our friends and exes, kept on updating on our daily routine and kept on posting pictures.

Now, I feel Facebook is the old reliable. I personally use it to stay in touch with my friends back home, to send group message and to share content that I find funny or interesting. But I am not as active as I used to be and, as I grow older, I find pictures of weddings, houses and babies quite annoying…

Twitter:

Twitter is magical in the way that it connects all of us, across the world. The information travels fast and you can get updates straight from your fave celebrity. But you are also drowned into the mass of users and it is quite hard to gain followers and make yourself heard. I love Twitter because I get to know what is happening pretty much as it is happening. And, recently, my country got a chance to demonstrate its sense of humour despite the sad times we are experiencing. When Brussels was locked down, the police asked everyone to remain quiet about what was unravelling in town. So, my people started tweeting pictures of…cats! And, boy, did we have a laugh!

Instagram:

This is THE place to express the artsy, hipstery side of your personality. You can show and tell the world: what you cooked for dinner, the fancy party you were invited to, the famous person you met randomly on the street, your furry friends, a view, etc.

What I find hilarious with Instagram is the use (and abuse) of hashtags. I enjoy hashtagging everything and anything that is in my pictures. I find it funny and surprisingly effective. It is also amazing to keep an eye on trends and fashion and to get makeup envy. A word of advice: do not believe that what you see on Instagram is 100% real life. Many people fake an exciting life, but it is just good angles and decent filters. Some celebrities are giving it their all and it is inspiring to see how they brand themselves using only pictures and a few words. You can also follow dogs, cats, hamsters and so on. And, when you are waiting for the bus under the rain, it comes in very handy.

LinkedIn:

I think this one is imposing itself on us. You sort of need to have a LinkedIn profile because recruiters are constantly lurking on there and, if you want to be seen and considered for a job, this is the way to go. You can also get random job offers appearing on your timeline, a job offer that probably never makes it to Monster or Reed.

If you follow companies or people who do the same job as you (or the job you wish you were doing), you can get really interesting articles and information about your industry. I am into…guess what? Social media! and I get a lot of useful advice and tips.

It is a bit daunting to put up a profile because you have to go over every single job you have ever had and you have to go into detail. But once it is up and running, it is easy to maintain. And it will soon become a reflex to update your profile and scroll through your feed.

That is how I use my social media accounts. I know I have left some out like Pinterest, Vine, Periscope, Snapchat, Boomerang, Google +, Vimeo and Youtube. But I thought I would tell you about those I actually use on a daily basis.

Please do share how you are using your social networks; I am sure you are doing it differently ;-)