Inside Brussels’ lockdown: a perspective from zinnekes

As you may know (or will in just a moment), I am Belgian, born and raised in Brussels. My dearest friends and my family live in Brussels and this city is my home. We all got in shock after the horrible and disgusting attacks in Paris. But then, my city and country got under threat and the world’s attention concentrated on a small part of town: Molenbeek.

In this article, I want to share some of my fellow zinnekes (aka an inhabitant of Brussels) perspective on the recent events.

Vanessa, living in Molenbeek.

Vanessa is 30 and has been living in Molenbeek for the past three years. It is a weird area, mixing locals and immigrants, with lovely houses and rough places. Vanessa didn’t witness much during the searches conducted by the police and the army. But felt, straight after Paris’ attacks, a change in the city’s atmosphere. Soon after the events, she saw two heavily armed policemen guarding her carriage in the metro and she thought: “If something happens, they are going to intervene and contain the incident. But, if I move, if I make a mistake, I could get shot.” Even though the presence of the army and the police was somewhat reassuring, it was also making the threat very real and unavoidable.

Vanessa also recalls that first weekend where the authorities advised citizens to stay indoors, away from windows and avoid public gatherings. She got scared for her husband and her family and made sure none of them used public transports for a whole week.

Now, the threat level has been levelled down to 3 instead of 4. “I don’t watch the news anymore. It was turning into an obsession and was making me very anxious. The army and the police are still patrolling the streets and there is still fear hanging above us like a big dark cloud.”  Vanessa says.

Emilie, a mum of two and also living in Brussels, is staying positive. “I have to. I hope it’s going to evolve positively because I want my children to grow up in a safe and peaceful world.”

How does Emilie talk to her little ones about the attacks and the army in the streets? “Nathan is a four year old little boy who is ignorant of violence. Elise is only one and not aware of what is going on.” When Nathan asks questions to his mother, she talks about mean people and insists that her, his father, the policemen and the army are all here to keep him safe and sound.

Emilie, her husband Yannick and her children: Nathan and Elise.

The schools and nurseries have tried their best to keep things running normally for the children. But, the authorities’ guidelines made it difficult: schools were closed for two days, the army was patrolling the surroundings, kids couldn’t go outside and all gatherings were completely forbidden.

Emilie says that, even though she feels calm about the situation and safe in the streets, she will be avoiding big crowds, outdoor Christmas markets, concerts and social activities.

Now living on the Gold Coast, all the way down in Australia, Zoe was hit hard by the recent events. She used to live in Paris, near Place d’Italie, just about 20 minutes from Le Bataclan. She was playing in a roller derby team and often said they were all like a big family. So, when she heard that one of the victims was a roller derby player, her heart sank. She didn’t know her personally, but a lot of her friends did. Suddenly, it was even more real.

She felt wrong to be this far from Paris, a city that was hers for 5 years, from her friends, that roller derby family that lost one of theirs. She told me: “I wish I was there, I wish I could hug them and cry with them and just be there.”

Zoe and Claire: members of the Derby family.

Also from Brussels, Zoe felt just as worried for her zinnekes. We often talked about how mad this all mess was; we spent hours trying to assess and comprehend what was happening. I asked her if she felt safer, being that far away from it all: “I live in a quiet part of Australia so, I am tempted to say I feel safe. But then, a year ago, there was this guy who took hostages in a café. So, I guess no one is truly safe.”

Finally, I wanted to give my very own feelings about the whole situation. What happened in Paris hit me hard. Because my best friend used to live not far away from that neighbourhood, because those people were my age and were doing all the things I could have been doing on a Friday night. I stayed indoors for a few days, avoiding the world, avoiding any sort of risk and binge watching the news.

Then, the attacks got linked to Brussels and the threat level was raised to 4. I started feeling completely useless and was willing to go back home, go back to my family, go back to my friends. I couldn’t. And my worry shifted: I wasn’t scared for myself anymore; I was scared for my people back in Brussels. For a week, I called my parents every single day. We ran out of things to say, in the end, but I needed to hear that they were ok, that everyone was calm and collected, that the authorities were super effective at keeping them all safe.

I got really proud when Belgians started tweeting pictures of cats to protect the police’s investigations. It was silly but funny, positive and typically us. 

 

Now, I can’t wait for my family to join me for Christmas. I want them here where I feel I can protect them or, at least, keep a close eye on them! I am already planning a trip to Brussels in January, eager to squeeze and hug my friends, eager to take some time out of this madness to laugh, talk rubbish and be together… Because, no matter how hard they will hit us, we will still be merry, a bit crazy and full of weird jokes. We will still be zinnekes…

Zoe and I: besties with Manneken Pis!

What social media do I use and for what said usage?

Recently, I was out with friends and, as we were sitting around in a Starbucks, we realised we all had our smart phones out. And, as we talked about social media and our constant need to check what was happening on there, we concluded that each app and each network were completing each other but were also offering different things and that we all “needed” the variety of online feeds.

Allow me to explain to you how I use my social accounts and why I need all of them…

Facebook: 

When Facebook arrived in Europe, we all got swiped off our feet. It was new, it was fun and…it was quite silly. If you remember well, you could have a virtual fish tank and your friends could offer you more fish. We all got way too eager to share our lives and pictures on the social network (see what I did there?!) and some got quite a vile backlash from it. Still, we stayed on Facebook, kept on stalking our friends and exes, kept on updating on our daily routine and kept on posting pictures.

Now, I feel Facebook is the old reliable. I personally use it to stay in touch with my friends back home, to send group message and to share content that I find funny or interesting. But I am not as active as I used to be and, as I grow older, I find pictures of weddings, houses and babies quite annoying…

Twitter:

Twitter is magical in the way that it connects all of us, across the world. The information travels fast and you can get updates straight from your fave celebrity. But you are also drowned into the mass of users and it is quite hard to gain followers and make yourself heard. I love Twitter because I get to know what is happening pretty much as it is happening. And, recently, my country got a chance to demonstrate its sense of humour despite the sad times we are experiencing. When Brussels was locked down, the police asked everyone to remain quiet about what was unravelling in town. So, my people started tweeting pictures of…cats! And, boy, did we have a laugh!

Instagram:

This is THE place to express the artsy, hipstery side of your personality. You can show and tell the world: what you cooked for dinner, the fancy party you were invited to, the famous person you met randomly on the street, your furry friends, a view, etc.

What I find hilarious with Instagram is the use (and abuse) of hashtags. I enjoy hashtagging everything and anything that is in my pictures. I find it funny and surprisingly effective. It is also amazing to keep an eye on trends and fashion and to get makeup envy. A word of advice: do not believe that what you see on Instagram is 100% real life. Many people fake an exciting life, but it is just good angles and decent filters. Some celebrities are giving it their all and it is inspiring to see how they brand themselves using only pictures and a few words. You can also follow dogs, cats, hamsters and so on. And, when you are waiting for the bus under the rain, it comes in very handy.

LinkedIn:

I think this one is imposing itself on us. You sort of need to have a LinkedIn profile because recruiters are constantly lurking on there and, if you want to be seen and considered for a job, this is the way to go. You can also get random job offers appearing on your timeline, a job offer that probably never makes it to Monster or Reed.

If you follow companies or people who do the same job as you (or the job you wish you were doing), you can get really interesting articles and information about your industry. I am into…guess what? Social media! and I get a lot of useful advice and tips.

It is a bit daunting to put up a profile because you have to go over every single job you have ever had and you have to go into detail. But once it is up and running, it is easy to maintain. And it will soon become a reflex to update your profile and scroll through your feed.

That is how I use my social media accounts. I know I have left some out like Pinterest, Vine, Periscope, Snapchat, Boomerang, Google +, Vimeo and Youtube. But I thought I would tell you about those I actually use on a daily basis.

Please do share how you are using your social networks; I am sure you are doing it differently ;-)

My job search 2.015

 Two months ago, I finished my temporary mission at Reservoir Dogs Day care. I had good hopes it’d be slightly longer than it actually was so I didn’t really planned the rest ahead. Since then, I have been sending CVs and applications like crazy and I landed a 10-days job at Ogilvy & Mather. I have had 12 interviews in the last four weeks.

What have I learned so far?

-       Getting a good/decent job is hard.

-       Every interview is different and, no matter how well prepared you are, the interviewer will always find a way to make you lose balance. The trick is to turn negative into positive.

-       It is very rare to receive feedback. You will usually be told that there was a candidate that was slightly more experienced than you. And curse him/her for stealing the job!

-       You will get calls from scam companies, even when you stick to big websites like Reed or Monster. I have found this very accurate testimony and can only advise you to follow this Facebook group to prevent any loss of time, energy and money.

-       Being rejected is hard. You put a lot of effort, sweat and hopes in every application and in every interview. It is ok; the right job will come along eventually. Allow yourself a bit of mourning then, dust yourself up and get back in the saddle!

-       Being rejected by your dream company; twice in the space of ten months is insanely hard. It is a pill I still find difficult to swallow.

-       Recruiters can be like fairy godmothers…or like Maleficent. Do not take it personally.

-       You cannot give up! Ever! Because you could be so very close to getting a great job. And because, as long as there is hope, there is a chance that things might turn around.

Job-hunting is like a job in itself. And it is a hell of a tough one!

It will make you feel down, useless and worthless. But, as I said just a few lines ago, you cannot give up on your dreams, on yourself.

My advices are:

- Make a CV that you like and aimed at the career you want. Use Google to find examples and create your own design (I worked on mine for a whole week but I have the satisfaction of being a proud mum! No pre-made templates, it is all mine!).

- Get in touch with an advisor from the National Careers Service: it is free and they will give you great tips on how to create your CV, how to word your professional experience and how to behave in an interview.

- Find support from your friends or family. Even better: if you have a friend who is looking for a job, get together in a nice café and work as a team. It will keep you energised and motivated.

- When you feel you’ve written a great cover letter, save it and use it as a template. You can alter it from application to application and it will save you time.

- Do send some spontaneous applications. Do not make it a priority but do it, especially if you are aiming at a certain type of company. 

- Allow yourself some time off. Sending applications is daunting: it can take time (damn online forms), it can be boring or you can feel you don’t find any new job ads to apply to. One of the perks of being unemployed is that you can do things when everyone else is at work. So, go visit that museum, go to the cinema, go to that pub, go for a walk…

- Do not lose hope! I am often close to a breaking point where I feel like I am never going to get back to work, that I should go home to my parents and wait for death in my bed. But, I refuse to give up on me and on my dreams. I’ve wanted to make a life in London since I was 18 and, even if I have to force myself down on you, you will have to deal with me, United Kingdom!

Let’s keep our fingers crossed, our chins high and our hopes high in the sky! We will make it!

  

Furiously Happy: a lesson about how we are all a bit fucked up but it is all good

 A few weeks ago, I was in an Oxfam charity shop (we have TONS of charity shops in the UK, which makes it incredibly easy to give time and money to good causes!) and I found this book with this ecstatic raccoon on the cover.

I decided to buy it, just because of that weird raccoon that claimed to be furiously happy, and that was probably life sending me a sign. 

 

Let’s talk about the author. Her name is Jenny Lawson and she is an American writer and blogger. She published her first book (Let’s Pretend This Never Happened) in 2012 and, just a few weeks later, it was the number one New York Times bestseller. She also runs www.thebloggess.com

That woman is different because she gave a voice to all people suffering from mental illness, which goes from anxiety to OCD, from low mood to phobias. And she did it by talking about her battles, her victories, her daily life and struggles. And she is funny, which makes it less dramatic I guess but no less serious.

I think we all have problems and those problems sometime lead us to slip into a big hole: a dark place that professionals will call “mental illness”. Three years ago, I had no idea what a panic attack was. Today, I know way too well what they are and I am fighting them with all of my might. Life threw lemons at me and, though my eyes are hurting from the acid juices, I am learning to make lemonade out of it.

What resonated in me the most was the bit where Jenny Lawson says that we are all trying to master living life but no one really knows what they are doing because we were not sent any manual or instructions. We envy people that we see on Instagram or in magazines but that is the –fake- bright side of their existences. We don’t know what is happening backstage and the highly probable truth is that those people are struggling just as bad as we are.

This book made me less ashamed of my panic attacks. Because loads of people have it, some have even other troubles on top and we are all trying our best at living life. I feel like embracing my weird and quirky side and keeping in mind that my battles, my scars, my life story make me who I am. And you know what they say about life, right? No one makes it out alive!

September Hiatus…

 Hello, friends, readers, world,

As you may have noticed, I haven’t written since August. Quite a lot has happened: excellent and grand things and shitty, depressing, daddy-come-and-get-me-out-of-here stuff.

I will start with the less good things and finish on a high note with all the positive.

I started working as a dog walker. I know, it is billion miles away from media and digital but it has always been a possible career choice in a corner of my mind and so, I just went and tried it. It went wrong. Not on the dog side of the job: walking the doggies, having the cuddles and even scooping the poos was amazing! What went wrong is that I was lied to about what I would be doing in this very small company. I was only working with my boss who was…erm…quite a character? A bit special? A psycho? Blog material! Yes, she is “blog material”. Anyway, I miss the dogs and will always cherish the time I have spent with that little pack of furry babies, but it was an experiment. I have tried it and it simply did not work out. No regrets!

That means I am back on the job market! Which is exciting and terrifying. I have also applied for a job at my DREAM company. I didn’t get it and it is frustrating and sad but I am in touch with them, they know me and, eventually, I will be a member of their team!

I have had job interviews – encouraging, as it means my CV is somewhat sexy! – and, no matter how well you can prepare yourself, I feel it will be awkward and weird. So, there is no need to stress out, really, just roll with the flow…

Moving on to GOOD, AMAZIND and POSITIVE events!

I went home for a few days! I love going home, seeing my parents, talking makeup with my mum (who’s quite new to the concept of taking care of yourself, bless her), watching telly with my dad until the wee hours, meeting with my friends and their kids (I love those babies! I have known them their whole lives and enjoy playing with them, holding them and cuddling them!), eating all the Belgian delicatessens that I miss and running my fingers through Jax’s curls whilst he looks into my soul (he is our fancy – absolutely accidental - cross breed dog; a tasteful mix between a Chihuahua and a poodle).

I have been to the Apple Music Festival for work. I have seen Ellie Goulding (I firmly believe she should record audio books as her voice is so damn sensual) and Little mix and…One Direction! I was on the first row, holding on to my notepad, fighting to keep my spot and having a guy shouting in my ear. For. The. Whole. Concert! But, forget about this idiot, I had a blast and felt SO DAMN LUCKY as I know that many people wanted to attend and couldn’t.

I have a new hamster! Poor Augustus has been dropped in front of the vet’s practice that I used to work at. No note, no reason, he was just left there in his cage over the bank holiday weekend. So, when my ex-colleagues told me he needed a new home, I took him to mine. He’s a lovely bundle of fur and joy. I hope he is happy and feel all the love we have for him. And to the fuckers who abandoned him: Karma is a bitch and, one day or another, you will pay for this!

I am on a mission at Ogilvy & Mather! It is just for a couple of weeks but it is fascinating to work in such a big agency. I secretly hope that this will push my career into the right direction.

I have amazing friends who happen to be my flatmates. At the moment, I feel like my life is a big mess and, when it gets too much, my brain just works against me and triggers panic attacks. Those are horrible: you feel like you’re going to die, like you are losing your mind and you just cannot stop crying and gasping for air. It is scary to witness and atrocious to live. But Jen helped me get back from panic hell and she is supporting me and encouraging me. I couldn’t be more thankful to have her in my life (and in the room next to mine). Lucy is also very encouraging and does not hate me for being such a nutter. They are caring, loving and accepting, which is all I need at the moment. I am blessed with these two!

So, that is why I didn’t feel like writing: I was riding the roller coaster of life, holding on, trying not to puke and making sure that the twins were staying in my bra. I am trying to be positive and, writing down the good things helps me realise that, ok, life is not great at the moment, but it could be so much worse…

Where do pigeons hide to die?

I live in London and, before that, about 3 years ago, I was living in Brussels. Big cities, filled with all sort of urban animals. Some might call them “pest” but I think it is not nice to call them that: there are no more pest than we are…

Anyway, amongst families of foxes, insanely cute squirrels and weird night moths, we have pigeons. There are everywhere. They come in all sorts of colours and shapes but, no matter where you go, they are there. Some cities even made the most out of their flying squirrels.

In Venice, they are an attraction: feeding pigeons on the Saint-Marco piazza is a thing.

The other day, I was on the bus en route to Covent Garden, and I noticed a group of pigeons, lying in the sun, having a rest. And I thought: “How come we never see dead pigeons? Where do they go to die? Are they like elephants; they feel the end coming and they go to a special place to depart this life?”

If you google it, there is a myriad of articles about the subject. I am glad to know I am not the only one wondering about that!

The best (and probably nicer) answer I have found is on the RSPB website: “Despite the fact that there are numerous flocks of birds, which are often seen while alive, people rarely see pavements littered with the bodies of dead birds. Most birds in the wild only live for a few years, and very few will die from 'natural' causes. They are very unlikely to survive to old age for example. (…)

Birds, like many other creatures, will seek secluded, out-of-the-way places when they're feeling sick - woodpeckers will climb into a hole in a tree, for example. Sick birds will go to ground and because they feel vulnerable they will hide away. Sometimes, rest and seclusion

help them to recover, but if they die there, they sometimes won't be found in their hideouts.

Of course, in nature, things very often work in tandem. Scavengers and predators, such as rats, cats or foxes, can usually seek out these hideouts for prey. Often, these predators will eat the prey themselves or take them back to feed their young, which is why it's rare to find the remains of dead birds. Due to a bird's light body mass, those that aren't found by predators or scavengers will decompose rapidly. Insects will cover any dead body quickly and the bird would soon decay before it is found.”

So, pigeons are like elephants: when the end is near, they go and hide to die. It makes me feel a lot of sympathy and respect for those little birds. And I am happy to see the mystery being solved!

A story of collective hysteria. That means you too!

Let me tell you a story about a scene in a very famous movie. I mean it’s a damn classic and, on a more personal level, the most romantic and tragic love story ever told on a movie screen. There is a scene that we have all seen yet…it does not exist…

A couple of weeks ago, I started re-watching “Skins” on good ol’ Netflix. I’ve seen all the seasons but thought this was a great occasion to see them all back to back. SPOILER ALERT In the last episode of season 4, after Freddie has been brutally killed by the psychopath psychotherapist – one moment of silence for Freds and his good looks – his best friend Cook gets into the murderer’s house and beats the shit out of him. Revenge! At least, that is what I remembered…

What actually happens is that Cook faces up the murderer, gets hit but stands back up and shouts “I am Cooook!” and then, fade to black…So, I thought that I remembered clearly that Cook was killing the asshole who took Freddie from us and that this sort of open ending was not right. Because it means Cook can get killed too (I know he does not get killed because there is another episode centred on him a few years later).

Cook is about to break some skulls...or not...

It reminded me of that scene in…Titanic. And that is where y’all and me loose it!!!

When I first saw Titanic, in January 1998 (see, this does not feel right! It cannot be that old!), I was blown away and could not shed a tear. I was damn impressed that I did not think about crying. That was only the first time though; I now cry every single time I see it, no matter what I do to get distracted…It’s not pretty!

I remember that scene where Rose and her mother are having a conversation about Jack and Cal, about how they are in a lot of financial troubles and that Rose’s wedding is the only way to regain some sort of dignity. And I remember Rose being insolent and her mother slapping her…You do remember too, don’t you?!

That lacing-up-your-corset-my-dear-daughter scene

Well, it never happened…IT NEVER HAPPENED!!! Watch the DVD, the tape, the streaming link, the low quality extracts on YouTube. It never happened. There is no slapping, at all.

The crazy bit is that I keep asking people around me, and I have been doing it for years, and they all tell me: “Yeah, it happens! It happens, right? Hold on. No, yes it happens!” Then, we watch the scene on the DVD and we face the fact that we all collectively imagined that slap…

Please, tell me if you remember this or if me (and a lot of other people) are just losing it!!!

20 “what-the-hell” things that really annoyed me in Jurassic World

 By now, you lot know how much I love dinosaurs and how excited I was when Jurassic World was released a couple of weeks ago.

The first viewing left me a bit so-so. The second one really pissed me off! I have collected a non-exhaustive list of 20 “What-the-actual-hell” moments, ideas, stuff that, if you just start thinking about it, don’t make any sense.

Beware: SPOILERS AHEAD!!!

 

1)    Owen Grady is a velociraptor expert: he’s been in the Navy and all. He sorts of tame those vicious animals. The man has got knowledge about dinosaurs and their behaviours (they need to be socialised, to see something else than their paddocks all the time, etc). Curiously, his skills are only used to the benefit of raptors. It could have helped when Wu and his team created the Indominus-Rex but no, no, it’s much more fun to let that dinosaur get crazy on its own….

2)    A pig gets loose in the raptors’ paddock: well, instead of trying to catch a tiny piglet that is, granted, going to meet its cruel death, and instead of falling into the paddock which should technically lead to your own death, just leave the pig to its fate! I’m sorry for the innocent animal but…it does not make sense to try and save it!

3)    Raptors can get health checks: a couple of times in the film, the velociraptors are held into some sort of muzzles. Why? Apparently, just to get a little cuddle from their carers. If someone knows what those things are and what is their use, please, let me know!

What is this? What does it do?

4)    Jurassic World can’t accommodate all their staff: Poor Owen is living in a bungalow, next to a lake, on his own. I’m guessing it is to add to his sexy but lonely Indiana Jones looks.

5)    There is no signal where the I-Rex is kept: When Claire can’t find the dinosaur inside its paddock, she heads to the control room so that she can track it with its tracking implant. She’s actually calling the control room from her car, screaming: “We have an asset out of containment!” whilst she is not even sure of that yet. Couldn’t she have called the control room from the I-Rex’s paddock? Before anyone gets in there? There would have been no movie I guess…

6)    Jurassic World’s workers can disappear: When Owen and Claire get to the I-Rex’s paddock, there are at least a dozen workers around them, building a higher fence to prevent the dinosaur from escaping. When it actually does escape, there are all gone! They vanished in a few seconds. 

7)  A Winchester can kill a dinosaur: Owen goes after the I-Rex with a Winchester. Knowing he criticised the intervention team – RIP to all of them – for using non-lethal weapons, it seems like he’s got a lot of confidence here. A lot! 

 8) We shoot injured horses but not dying dinos: There is an excruciating scene where a diplodocus is dying. It’s been attacked by the I-Rex and seems to be in pain. It takes ages, long enough for people to cry and all. Owen has a Winchester; why doesn’t he shoot the agonising dinosaur? Do the right thing! Put it out of its misery instead of lying to its face: “It’s going to be ok, shhhh, shhhh”

Do the right thing, Owen! Damn it!

 9)    Bits of flesh can teleport themselves: The I-Rex is clever enough to claw out its tracking implant. We discover that when it kills the whole intervention team. That bit of flesh miraculously appears when they want to use the raptors to track down the I-Rex. How? It was left somewhere in the jungle!  

10) Rides are not under control: You know that fun ride with the glass spheres? Even though Jimmy Fallon keeps insisting that it was made for visitors’ safety, it is absolutely not safe! It is not on a rail, not automated and there is no way to bring it back to its start when it is closing down. 

11) You can keep secrets from your boss: Masrani is the boss of Jurassic World and Doctor Wu is an employee. Well, Wu does not have to say how the Indominus-Rex was made to his boss. Just use the words “It is classified”. 

12) You can keep your heels on, as long as you open your shirt: When Claire wants to follow Owen into the jungle to find her nephews, the raptor pro mocks her ridiculous shoes. But, after she rolled up her sleeves and opened her shirt, he seems completely happy for her to accompany him. 

13) Air alert? Check! Shelters? Erm…: When the pterodactyls attack the visitors, there is an air alert resonating loudly in the park. People run and try to take shelter. But there is no shelter; everything seems to be closed. Bon appétit, flying friends! 

Run, people, Ruuuuun!

 14) Cameras of the future: They want to use the raptors to go after the I-Rex. They fix cameras to the raptors’ heads and we find out that the cameras film what the dinosaurs are looking at. How is that even possible? They’re go pros attached to their heads, nothing else! How can it be connected to their vision? 

15) Eeny, meeny, miny, moe: Owen established himself as the raptors’ alpha. But, later on, the pack finds a new alpha in the I-Rex. Luckily, right at the end and with timing close to perfection, the raptors go back to their first alpha and turn against the old one. 

16) Strange associations: A velociraptor and T-Rex teaming up? Guys, you can’t be serious here! Do I need to remind you of the final scene in Jurassic Park? Those two are not friends! 

17) Visitors can vanish too: We get told a few times that there are 20.000 visitors in Jurassic World. Yet, in the end, there are all gone. You understand that a big fight between a T-Rex and an I-Rex takes some space. Where are they gone, though?!  

18) 4 makes 2 makes 3 makes 1: There are 4 velociraptors. And each of them is killed at least twice. Yet, there is one that keeps coming back. The one that survives and gets away. Maybe he’s just gone to die in the jungle; it’d make sense… 

19) 40 miles per hour: When Claire sets the T-Rex free, she runs in front of it with a flare. She runs in heels, which I think that, by now, we all agree is not great. The T-Rex can outrun a car but it cannot catch up with Claire. She would have been a great snack before the big fight. I guess Rexie, being over 20 years old, does not run as fast as she used to. 

Clever girl? No! Über fast woman!

20) Who is going to feed the mosasaur? Once again, humans abandon the park. And I can help but wonder how it is going to work out once the mosasaur is dead, floating on its back and rotting. Surely it is going to bring diseases and stuff. That can’t be good for the dinosaurs left.

Quick! Before it starts smelling, ya' know...

I feel better now that I’ve got it all off my chest. I appreciate the efforts but, compared to the first film, where the main issue was with the T-Rex paddock, Jurassic World is suffering from a lack of coherence.

I am just really really disappointed. And I have just heard there is another film in the making…

 

 

Four hands and Two Vaginas: a recipe for success?

Last week has seen the release of Grey: another instalment of the Fifty Shades of Grey saga, this time from Christian’s point of view.

By this time, I am guessing you all read this excellent post on Buzzfeed where one journalist took the bullet for all of us and read the damn thing. It is scarily bad, rude and not sexy for a bit.

My best friend – who lives in Australia, happy days! – and I discussed Grey in a conversation that went a bit like this:

Me: “I was at Sainsbury’s today and guess what? That Grey book is selling for £3,99…”

Her: (Laughs explosion) “It shows how crappy it is!”

Me: “Have you read the article on Buzzfeed? That guy is a hero: he read the whole book and reported back to the world!”

Her: “Yeah! It is so bad…. I bet we could write better porn!”

Me: “Oh yas, sure! But we have to write it on our phones, you know, respect some basic rules!”

Her: “Ok, we both write a chapter of a porn fiction and, in a month, we send it to each other!”

Me: “Agreed! Prepare to read some excellent porn, my dear!”

 

 

So, it is on, it is happening. We are all turned on (and off) by different things. I totally respect the fact that some people love sado-masochistic sex. But I believe that porn literature should be taken seriously: writing is an art and it should not be taken lightly. Because I love writing and because this is a fun challenge that might get me rich (I’m joking…or am I?), I am totally on board with this “write your own porn on your phone” experiment.

Results in a month time: we might not share this with the world but I will make sure to tell you all how it went and if two regular girls – a total of four hands and two vaginas – can actually compete with E.L. James and her saga…

Gym: This Time, It Is Serious!

 We all know how easy it is to get a membership to the gym. We all know how motivated we are when we start and how that motivation drops drastically after a few hours/days/weeks.

We keep paying the membership because actually cancelling it would really mean we are giving up.

This time, I have decided to be a good girl and to stick with my program: going to the gym every two days. Thing is I am a bit overweight. It is not obvious because I’ve got a layer of fat all over my body. So, my arms are a bit fat, my belly is a bit soft, my hips are a bit larger and my butt is a practical and comfortable on-the-go cushion.

I don’t want to get skinny: I like my body and its curves. I just want to be fitter and less floppy. I don’t want to pant like I had run a 10k marathon every time I run after my bus. I don’t want to find it tiring to hold a baby in my arms for more than 5 minutes. And I’d like to say goodbye to the old weird and unexpected cramp…

It has also something to do with my self-confidence: I want to get the body I have been dreaming of since I was a teenager. I never got round to it, never got motivated enough to stick to the gym. 

To help me, I have taken selfies – well, pictures of my body so nothing glam and no duck face. In a month, I will take new ones. I feel like seeing the changes as they happen will give me the motivation to keep going. So far, after three sessions, I ache a lot. I have had cramps in places I didn’t know could cramp. I have been close to being sick and some movements (like rolling out of bed) are really painful.

But hey, this girl is me and…this girl can, right?!

Why I feel “so-so” about Jurassic World.

Last weekend, I grabbed a non-dinosaur-fanatic friend and brought her to the cinema. I wanted to see Jurassic World and she didn’t want to leave me alone.

I am a massive dino geek. Jurassic Park is my favourite movie ever; I know every damn line in French, which makes it impossible now for anyone to watch it with me. I love dinosaurs and that is why Jurassic World got me a bit crossed.

 

I don’t want to see dinosaurs dying; I don’t want to get details about their long agony when the meteor hit the earth 65 billion years ago. I want to see them thrive, I want to hear them roar and I want to see people get eaten.

Dying Diplodocus - Jurassic World (2015)

Happy Brachiosaur - Jurassic Park (1993)

In Jurassic World, dinosaurs die. There is a scene where Owen and Claire witness the last few breaths of a majestic diplodocus. I cried. I did not like it. And it was only a start!

The storyline is very similar to Jurassic Park. Granted the dinosaurs are on an island (well, two actually) and we needed a way to bring people back there. And it was exciting to see the park open and functioning. But some bits were disturbing: baby triceratops ridden by kids, white shark fed to a mosasaur like it was a sardine thrown to a seal, our dear Rexie living in a small paddock and tamed velociraptors.

Jurassic World is a proper blockbuster: you will get even more than what you’ve paid for. But, close your eyes on the many hiccups of the story and do not bear Jurassic Park in mind. Also, the characters are more of a parody.

In Jurassic Park, the characters were amazing: Grant and Ellie facing the possible extinction of their job but also facing the question of having kids together; Malcolm is right from the start despite his rock star look; Hammond is a child seeing his dream coming true then going horribly wrong. Even Lex and Tim felt like “real people”.

In Jurassic World, we have one super sex-driven teenager, one bipolar kid, one woman running around in heels, one army-freak and one sort of Indiana Jones. No depth whatsoever!

In the end, I have enjoyed seeing dinosaurs. But I hope this is the last ever Jurassic something film. They left it open for a new instalment but please, please, please, I’m begging you: DON’T!