By now, you
lot know how much I love dinosaurs and how excited I was when Jurassic World
was released a couple of weeks ago.
The first
viewing left me a bit so-so. The second one really pissed me off! I have
collected a non-exhaustive list of 20 “What-the-actual-hell” moments, ideas,
stuff that, if you just start thinking about it, don’t make any sense.
Beware:
SPOILERS AHEAD!!!
1) Owen Grady is a velociraptor expert:
he’s been in the Navy and all. He sorts of tame those vicious animals. The man
has got knowledge about dinosaurs and their behaviours (they need to be
socialised, to see something else than their paddocks all the time, etc).
Curiously, his skills are only used to the benefit of raptors. It could have
helped when Wu and his team created the Indominus-Rex but no, no, it’s much
more fun to let that dinosaur get crazy on its own….
2) A pig gets loose in the raptors’
paddock: well, instead of trying to catch a tiny piglet that is, granted, going
to meet its cruel death, and instead of falling into the paddock which should
technically lead to your own death, just leave the pig to its fate! I’m sorry
for the innocent animal but…it does not make sense to try and save it!
3) Raptors can get health checks: a
couple of times in the film, the velociraptors are held into some sort of muzzles.
Why? Apparently, just to get a little cuddle from their carers. If someone
knows what those things are and what is their use, please, let me know!
| What is this? What does it do? |
4) Jurassic World can’t accommodate all
their staff: Poor Owen is living in a bungalow, next to a lake, on his own. I’m
guessing it is to add to his sexy but lonely Indiana Jones looks.
5) There is no signal where the I-Rex
is kept: When Claire can’t find the dinosaur inside its paddock, she heads to
the control room so that she can track it with its tracking implant. She’s
actually calling the control room from her car, screaming: “We have an asset
out of containment!” whilst she is not even sure of that yet. Couldn’t she have
called the control room from the I-Rex’s paddock? Before anyone gets in there?
There would have been no movie I guess…
6) Jurassic World’s workers can
disappear: When Owen and Claire get to the I-Rex’s paddock, there are at least
a dozen workers around them, building a higher fence to prevent the dinosaur
from escaping. When it actually does escape, there are all gone! They vanished
in a few seconds.
7) A Winchester can kill a dinosaur:
Owen goes after the I-Rex with a Winchester. Knowing he criticised the intervention
team – RIP to all of them – for using non-lethal weapons, it seems like he’s
got a lot of confidence here. A lot!
8) We shoot injured horses but not
dying dinos: There is an excruciating scene where a diplodocus is dying. It’s
been attacked by the I-Rex and seems to be in pain. It takes ages, long enough
for people to cry and all. Owen has a Winchester; why doesn’t he shoot the
agonising dinosaur? Do the right thing! Put it out of its misery instead of
lying to its face: “It’s going to be ok, shhhh, shhhh”
| Do the right thing, Owen! Damn it! |
9) Bits of flesh can teleport
themselves: The I-Rex is clever enough to claw out its tracking implant. We
discover that when it kills the whole intervention team. That bit of flesh
miraculously appears when they want to use the raptors to track down the I-Rex.
How? It was left somewhere in the jungle!
10) Rides are not under control: You
know that fun ride with the glass spheres? Even though Jimmy Fallon keeps
insisting that it was made for visitors’ safety, it is absolutely not safe! It
is not on a rail, not automated and there is no way to bring it back to its
start when it is closing down.
11) You can keep secrets from your boss:
Masrani is the boss of Jurassic World and Doctor Wu is an employee. Well, Wu
does not have to say how the Indominus-Rex was made to his boss. Just use the
words “It is classified”.
12) You can keep your heels on, as long
as you open your shirt: When Claire wants to follow Owen into the jungle to
find her nephews, the raptor pro mocks her ridiculous shoes. But, after she
rolled up her sleeves and opened her shirt, he seems completely happy for her
to accompany him.
13) Air alert? Check! Shelters? Erm…:
When the pterodactyls attack the visitors, there is an air alert resonating
loudly in the park. People run and try to take shelter. But there is no
shelter; everything seems to be closed. Bon appétit, flying friends!
 |
| Run, people, Ruuuuun! |
14) Cameras of the future: They want to
use the raptors to go after the I-Rex. They fix cameras to the raptors’ heads
and we find out that the cameras film what the dinosaurs are looking at. How is
that even possible? They’re go pros attached to their heads, nothing else! How
can it be connected to their vision?
15) Eeny, meeny, miny, moe: Owen
established himself as the raptors’ alpha. But, later on, the pack finds a new
alpha in the I-Rex. Luckily, right at the end and with timing close to
perfection, the raptors go back to their first alpha and turn against the old
one.
16) Strange associations: A velociraptor
and T-Rex teaming up? Guys, you can’t be serious here! Do I need to remind you
of the final scene in Jurassic Park? Those two are not friends!
17) Visitors can vanish too: We get told
a few times that there are 20.000 visitors in Jurassic World. Yet, in the end,
there are all gone. You understand that a big fight between a T-Rex and an
I-Rex takes some space. Where are they gone, though?!
18) 4 makes 2 makes 3 makes 1: There are
4 velociraptors. And each of them is killed at least twice. Yet, there is one
that keeps coming back. The one that survives and gets away. Maybe he’s just
gone to die in the jungle; it’d make sense…
19) 40 miles per hour: When Claire sets
the T-Rex free, she runs in front of it with a flare. She runs in heels, which
I think that, by now, we all agree is not great. The T-Rex can outrun a car but
it cannot catch up with Claire. She would have been a great snack before the
big fight. I guess Rexie, being over 20 years old, does not run as fast as she
used to.
 |
| Clever girl? No! Über fast woman! |
20) Who is going to feed the mosasaur?
Once again, humans abandon the park. And I can help but wonder how it is going
to work out once the mosasaur is dead, floating on its back and rotting. Surely
it is going to bring diseases and stuff. That can’t be good for the dinosaurs
left.
 | |
| Quick! Before it starts smelling, ya' know... |
I feel
better now that I’ve got it all off my chest. I appreciate the efforts but,
compared to the first film, where the main issue was with the T-Rex paddock,
Jurassic World is suffering from a lack of coherence.
I am just
really really disappointed. And I have just heard there is another film in the
making…
